Look at this year’s IIFA. The Awards Show that many in and outside Bollywood would like to call as India’s Oscar. Well, if that’s indeed the aim, the results were pathetic and can only earn the collective contempt of the thinking kind. The entire show was an unabashed mockery of any attempt to honor serious and talented film makers and actors. Admittedly, there are some incredibly talented folks making some incredibly splendid movies, but they are not only rare and in between, but are sadly reduced to standing on the sidelines applauding mediocrity and ridiculous family promotions. Yes, a Rang De Basanti and Lage Rahon Munna Bhai were awarded the Best Picture and Best Direction respectively, but to say it corrected all wrongs committed is hideous.
Witness the plethora of evidence. Upen Patel – Best male debut. Rani Mukherjee – Best actress for the torturous KANK. Soha Ali Khan – Best supporting actress, beating Kiron Kher, Konkona Sen and Rekha. Hrithik Roshan – Best actor, beating Ajay Devgan for Omkara. There is no doubt that Hrithik Roshan and Rani Mukherjee are undeniably some of the most intense actors we have today, but that was proved in movies other than KANK and Krrish. IIFA then goes on to invent a few more awards for god-knows-what reason. A Rakesh Roshan gets awarded most creative person of the year (seriously, most creative what?!) for a badly directed and conceptualized Krrish that clearly didn’t do well with any audience, young or old. Then ofcourse, in typical appeasement that Bollywood and ilk is capable of, an Aishwarya Rai and Jr. Roshan get awarded the most glamorous faces. God-knows-where! May be Cannes?
You won’t believe if you saw this pic of Mrs Bacchan Rai:
Earlier, the nominations clearly called the bluff. KANK, supposedly Johar’s most mature movie, incredulously finds a place in the Best Picture category. Not stopping at that, Johar, the Majesty herself, gets nominated for Best Director. We heard the queen went on a stupendous defensive diatribe when asked if she was gay. She apparently said things like “I don’t want the media to speculate on my private life and I won’t answer questions on my sexual orientation” - which only translates to “I am gay as a high school drama teacher. Don’t make me cry now & ruin my make up”.
Giving KANK company were Krrish and Dhoom: 2. Speaking of Dhoom: 2, Crazy Kiya Re – the song that is universally known for everything that is wrong with Bollywood and its fanatics and the one that cheaply imitates Britney Spears’s age-old You drive me crazy – gets nominated for Best Lyrics. I mean, how much more devolved can a 50 plus year old ‘industry’ be?
Shah Rukh Khan for Don, Kajol for Fanaa and Mrs. Bacchan Rai for Dhoom: 2 were the other jokes of the whole nomination bluff.
During the course of this whole vulgar extravaganza, PZ, who had no awards or performances to count this time, turns up on stage for a session on global warming. Give us a break PZ!
Then ofcourse, there were the much needed and vaunted “performances”, where Bollywood’s leading ladies beat the World’s leading drag-queens at their own game and without which, the whole act is reduced to a clumsy gathering. A Shilpa Shetty makes her Grande entrée in shiny stretch-pants that would have got the Fashion Razzies even in the 80s! Somewhere in between, when you know it can’t get worse, a Shiamak Davar jumps in for an act of self-promotion that was as unnecessary as the show itself, cheered on by the happily growling bear, Anil Kapoor & other Bollywood brethren.
Then there was Bipasha Basu. We seriously think the woman is Hot. But, like all other actresses, she ends up hosting a drag act in costumes that the one-and-only Kareena Kapoor can match. Finally small B. Dancing in his trademark inane fashion, that hitherto was the domain of the reptilian Salman Khan, small B does more than justice to the much hyped (like everything else in Bollywood) tunes of Jhoom Baby Jhoom. In what finally ends up as a family affair, the small B was joined by the big one, cheered on by the new one while the older one was conspicuously absent. We also hear the big one has been busy claiming creative rights for the Jack Sparrow look in JBJ amidst claiming to be a farmer too.
And, that in effect, sums up the sham in Yorkshire laidees.
some food for thought:
What is common to Bollywood & Indian Cricket team?
1. Both are flushed with ‘bluff money’ they make bluffing a sixth of humanity about their plausible entertainment value.
2. In either places, your contacts count for more than your blighted talent. Contact Zayed, Tussshhhaarrqbvcgn* & post-2002 Tendlia for further notes.
3. Both parade their ugliness across the globe to pander to the NRI alms.
4. You are stupendously insulated from the merciless morality of economics – your incompetence will never erase you! Instead you thrive on it and shimmy shimmy the audience into accepting your theoretical brilliance.
5. Occasional exploits amidst a heap of what-were-you-thinkings can restore all brand endorsements & general goodwill.
6. We feat you even if you are a down & out loser who never made the cut – we give you a Big Boss or a CCC (Calamity-Charity-Cricket) match to rev up your star value.
*That’s how he spells his name now. We promise you. See, he even landed a Goodfellas kinda role after that!
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